So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize