"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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