News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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