HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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