onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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