so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize