i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize