im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize