Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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