If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
