Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
