right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize