Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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