her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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