hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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