mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
