so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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