My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
