my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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