Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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