my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
