i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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