I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's the barista slut.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
