i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize