I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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