and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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