WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
