Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
