Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
