But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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