You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you inspire me to be a worse person
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
