I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
