My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sober January is a disaster.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
