The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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