yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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