If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
