Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
