I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
