watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
