so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I had to cum in my sink.
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