he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
