Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
