I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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