Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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