DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dear god my vagina.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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