You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
