I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
