It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
