You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
