I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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