I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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