remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
