Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Congratulations! We have a period
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