You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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