If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
