i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
