are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
