they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I die, sorry about rent.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize