Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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