I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
