Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
