on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
