remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Sober January is a disaster.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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