Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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