yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
