tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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